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Q:  I'm turned on by ambulance drivers and EMT workers. But I'm a little worried that there's something weird and pathological and morbid about this. I don't know — stretchers, IV drip-bags, walkie-talkies. Help me make sense of this and reassure me that I won't wind up in some special fetish hell, or, worse yet, all aroused by the person who comes to put me in a neck brace after a car wreck.

— Ambulance Chaser

A:  A fetish doesn't have to be negative. You're probably — and this is just a theory — turned on by the whole idea of being taken care of by a strong, capable man who knows how to deal with an emergency situation. You dig being the damsel in distress, having the man in uniform rush in and solve the problem for you. As for being aroused by the person putting you in a neck brace with your bones broken, believe me, sex will be the last thing on your mind sister. You'll be too busy fearing for your life, or at the very least, the fate of your car, to be too aroused by the EMT guy. Honestly, you could do a lot worse, like being sexually aroused by attempting to kill people (or being strangulated to death yourself). That's when you might have a problem. So to answer your question, no, you won't end up in fetish hell (unless you want to of course, and have your ambulance driver rescue you from it).

Q:  How many children can a woman have before her vagina is too loose to have good sex? This isn't a porno question. My girlfriend has had six children. I was just wondering if the vagina would be very loose or just slightly. Would I still get good sex?

— Ship-Sinker

A:  What, you haven't had sex with her already? While many vaginas do get loose after childbirth, they are usually pretty elastic and get back to their original size eventually. It also depends on your girlfriend, especially because she has had six kids. If you do find that her vagina is loose, this is your chance to suggest experimenting — different positions, lubrication, you name it. Step up and support your girl, buddy, and make some adjustments in bed. She'll appreciate you all the more for it, and this could do wonders for your sex life. If it's causing too many problems, see if she'll go in for a medical procedure to tighten herself down there. Meanwhile, look up Kegel exercises which won't make her vagina smaller, but will help to make the opening tighter and also enhance sexual pleasure. And to set the record straight, if your definition of "good sex" is just vaginal penetration, maybe it's better if her vagina remains too loose for you for a while. There's a whole world out there that you haven't yet embraced, and in that case maybe your girlfriend and not you should be worried about getting "good sex" or not.

Q:  Does an erection increase the mass of your total weight? I weighed myself the other day and I was 135 pounds. The next day in the morning I got morning wood and decided to weigh myself. I was 138 pounds. Was this because of my erection, or was it because I got fatter?

— Heavy Hitter

A:  You wish. An erection, as any basic sex manual and/or dictionary will tell you, is all about the blood rushing into your cock when you're aroused. In short, there is absolutely no fucking way that an erection will add three pounds to your weight. Quit making biologically impossible rationalizations out of nowhere just to feed your ego and to possibly take your mind off working out. At this point you need a reality check and some basic sex-ed classes.