The Bare Necessities
When your credit card is stolen, you imagine the thief is luxuriating with your hard-earned money, buying high-ticket items willy-nilly. Not necessarily. Look at Jose Duran. According to media reports, Duran was arrested after he admitted to racking up charges on somebody else's credit card on Tuesday, Oct. 7. The 21-year-old New Britain resident was at a city gas station when, he says, he picked up a wallet that had fallen out of a car. His extravagant purchases included bubble gum, socks, deodorant and baby wipes. They were traced to Duran and he was charged with 16 counts of credit-card theft and larceny.

Free Movies
The FBI and the MPAA should be heartened to hear that people are still stealing intellectual property the old-fashioned way, as a recent Cromwell theft report demonstrates. According to media reports, Brooke Clark was arrested after attempting to abscond from a Cromwell discount store with 28 DVDs on Saturday, Oct. 4. Reportedly, store employees spotted the 26-year-old Waterbury resident as she neared the exit with $830 worth of motion-picture excitement. Oddly, if she had made it out of the store with the discs and opened them, they would suddenly be worth about a dollar each at a yard sale. In any event, Clark was charged with larceny.

Geeks Need Not Apply
It's kind of nice to see Republicans being the goats — it's a geek-populist moment that almost feels like the end of Revenge of the Nerds or something. This moment says "fuck you, jock assholes, who have been running the country for, like, forever," and damn if it doesn't feel good. When we heard there was a wave of vandalism of McCain/Palin signs in Cromwell, it was hard to drum up any sympathy. According to the Middletown Press, throughout September and October, there have been a large number of GOP lawn sign thefts. How large a number? Well, the Press described the incidents as a "flurry" of stealing and a "spate" of thefts. So we'd like to alert the authorities to the Press for stealing all the cool words we were going to use to describe the thefts. But anyway, have you guys seen Tina Fey's Sarah Palin impression? It's hilarious!

Space Cake Cadet
Cake and weed are two of the very best things on this island earth. Combining them seems like a surefire recipe for success. However, as a recent story bubbling out of West Hartford demonstrates, the combination can go very wrong indeed. The media reports lay out the facts like so: Nancy Glass invited a realtor into her West Hartford home. On Thursday, Oct. 9, the realtor arrived at the 51-year-old's West Hartford home and noticed what appeared to be a delicious gingerbread cake in the kitchen. And Glass offered him a piece. When the realtor left the home, his heart started beating and his blood pressure skyrocketed. One of the realtor's co-workers called Glass about the cake, and Glass reportedly admitted there was marijuana in the cake (stories seem to vary about whether Glass or her daughter added the marijuana to the cake). Glass was charged with second-degree assault, reckless endangerment and tampering with evidence.

The Family that Melees Together ...
You want to talk about family values? Fine. Let's fucking talk about family fucking values. We don't mean that namby-pamby holding-hands-at-church bullshit, we mean the real deal — relatives that have your back in any situation no matter how stupid the reason seems. Like on Thursday, Oct. 10 in South Windsor. According to media reports, 28-year-old town-resident Lawrence Edward Barnett allegedly hit on somebody's girl at a bar. Reportedly the girl's steady had words with Barnett. And then Barnett allegedly punched him in the face. The men reportedly scuffled, and then the bar blew up into an Any Which Way But Loose-style free-for-all. Alleged participants in the brawl include Barnett's mother Josephine and his father Lawrence, both 50 years old. The family members were charged with breach of peace and assault.

All the information contained in the Advocate's police blotter comes from police reports or officials, or has been shamelessly swiped from other published accounts. Individuals charged have not been independently investigated by the Advocate. All those arrested are presumed innocent until found guilty in a court of law.